There's a certain sense of guilt that accompanies enjoying the service of others, and it stems from this idea that I don't deserve such service. Even accepting compliments is difficult for me! When someone compliments my hair, clothes, idea, I feel the need to deflect the compliment. As I learn more about myself, through this kinky chic lifestyle, I'm discovering reasons to serve myself. But there's this ongoing conversation in my head that makes it difficult to enjoy that service most of the time.
I know it is lent and it may seem weird to think that serving myself is in the spirit of lent, but it really is. For lent, I gave up negative speech because I seemed to derive some sick pleasure from complaining about my circumstances. As I give up negative speech (internally and externally), I feel like I am permitting myself to enjoy being served. The self-defeating voice in my head that would normally stop me from planning a vacation, buying an expensive item, and generally doing something that only benefits me seems quiet lately. As I starve the negative voice, it has less of an impact on my decisions. It's amazing that preventing myself from saying negative things and hurting others, also stops me from hurting myself with negative thoughts.
I purchased my dream bag recently because I silenced the negative voice that would normally discourage me from making this type of purchase. The bag represented something I always wanted but I never thought I could have or should have. A few days after I gave up negative speech and started to monitor what I said and why I was saying it, I started to recognize that the restriction that came from the negative voice was loosening and I felt comfortable making decisions that would have normally made me feel selfish... When you come from nothing and spend a good chunk of your life denying yourself, it is hard to let go and enjoy the benefits of success without guilt.
I was lucky enough to see my bag for the first time with my mom, and she was so happy to see me spoil myself. I think she understood that I was pushing out the feelings of guilt that came with the purchase, and she affirmed me by saying: "You deserve this. You have to start carrying it right away. Don't take any of the packaging with you so you're not tempted to return it. Carry it around and enjoy it." My mom always knows just the right thing to say :)
While retail therapy isn't exactly a permanent solution, I love that when I mentally free myself from negative thoughts, I can serve myself without guilt. Besides, I think this bag takes my kinky chic life to the next level. Here's a sneak peak at Cerfia. (Yes I named my bag.):